Insomnia or God at work?

I am tired, I came home from work and crashed for 2 hours then woke up realizing I have too much to do to be sleeping. I could have easily slept till morning. Now my mind won't stop "thinking" so let's see if I can pour out some "mess" from my head on this nice clean page :)

-I have been told before I am too spiritual because I think through things and in the negative still try to find God. We all know he is for sure in the positive but harder to see when your world is crashing. I don't think it is possible to be too spiritual because to me spiritual is seeking a connection with God. We have 3 parts to us, mind, body and spirit. I am working on tying them all together. Most of my life I have tried to keep them separate and that hasn't worked out so well for me LOL :)

Life takes work and not everything just falls into place. The reason I disconnected these aspects was to cope with pain...emotional pain and physical pain which then translated into spiritual pain. I know they are connected regardless of my attempts to keep them separated but a habit formed as a child became a way of life to survive. I struggle with feeling sure of yourself, always questioning who I am and letting fear grip me.

So I'm gonna get really real and put my junk out there so its grip won't be so tight on me as I work to release it from my life.

Monday night was hands down one of the worst nights I have faced in a very long time. I couldn't keep my focus at all that evening, a headache, a disconnect with a dear friend that left me feeling a bit lost and uneasy. All this mounted as I tried to go to sleep which turned into a living nightmare. Everytime I closed my eyes visions of life and past abuse played like a movie with no stop button. The tears flooded my eyes and just poured down my face for hours. I couldn't stop them, my soul just hurt and it was a unique feeling...I felt like my spirit was grieving and it probably was for the little girl lost so long ago who may not have physically died but she did.

A friend called and I didn't answer...what would I say? I felt so broken and ashamed. I couldn't let him know that there are times when I feel like life has sucker punched me. After all, growing up I was always told to "get over it" and "that's life" no understanding or compassion. You weren't suppose to talk about your problems just deal with them. There was never quality time together just emptiness and loneliness. When I need someone I don't reach out, I don't want to bother others with my mess but I will drop everything if someone needed me. It is no wonder I retreat when I feel overwhelmed, I remember as a child going and sitting in my closet to "hide" from life. There was a comfort in the darkness because the light was not familiar to me so I couldn't embrace it but God never let go of me. This is why I very rarely ask for help but why would I 99% of the people I have opened my heart up to have hurt me in one way or another. They walk in snatch a piece of me, my heart, my life and head out the door with no regard to me. I have become so guarded with my heart and life now that it has become hard to think someone might actually care and they might just be genuine. I seek love and acceptance like everyone else but I let the fear of abandonment hold me back from letting people in.

God provided a way out Monday but I didn't accept the call out of fear. What would I have said? What if he saw my mess, after all he has it all together and my mask of happiness had just broken?

I can relate to others while having empathy and compassion but I don't freely give many details of my life to others because most people can't handle hearing about it. I need a strong person who can relate, care and give wisdom to me without trying to fix me because I don't need fixing. I just need a genuine friend to lean on.

Tuesday gave me hope...a well needed text to know things would be okay, a good counseling session and an awesome message at youth group. Even as a youth sponsor I still need to hear the messages given by the Pastor. As we run this race for God it is a continual journey that doesn't end till we die and we should never stop growing as we move forward to him. I love serving with people who aren't afraid to admit they are a mess even if they are a Pastor. Sometimes when the mask breaks it is because God is creating a breakthrough...I wanted to find a new mask or piece the old one back together but God wanted me to see what I have overcome.

Sometimes I wonder why God uses me, I feel like such a dysfunctional mess. I have felt like I am struggling with my faith (not my theology) and when I opened up in my session my counselor told me that my faith is not a concept but a verb...everytime I get knocked down without thinking I get up and keep going. She helped me realize I am living it out even when I don't feel like I have any faith.

So basically I'm saying I don't have it all together. Here are some last minute thoughts and a video that rocked my world to think about how God is really always with us.

- My thoughts and prayers have been focused around God wiping out the memories instead I need to pray he comes in and performs a miracle. The reality is I wouldn't want them wiped out, I need them to do his work and help others to see his glory of what Jesus can do if you reach for his hand while your laying in the gutter of life dying.

- God is positioning me and taking me to a new level of understanding that I must be prepared for before he can pour out his provision over my life.

- God has to become all I have so I will know he is all I need.

- When you are on the verge of a breakthrough that sometimes becomes the fiercest place of resistance.

- God wants our first step to be faith.

- I relate to the brokenness of the world because that was once me before Jesus. It is my passion to reach others. I have to realize I have broken pieces but I am no longer a broken person, Jesus lives in me!