Okay, there are sometimes I just have to laugh because I know God is laughing at me. (which I am totally cool with). Sometimes it takes me longer to catch on to what he is trying to get through my thick skull. So let me share my moment of laughter with you.
Monday as I am heading to work, feeling really blah and just dealing with a bunch of life's junk. I am babbling to God asking why right now, why am I in this season, what is going on, why can't things just change...I must have been getting on his nerves because even though I was running a bit late God decided in the midst of my babbling to give me a red light at an intersection I NEVER have to stop at in the morning. LOL, even though it was dark outside the light bulb came on bright enough to light the sky. God dropped into my spirit as loud as day...You are just taking a pause in your journey. As soon as the light turned red it changed to green...not even long enough for me to stop!
I get it God :) thanks for reminding me! Some seasons may seem like they will take forever when we are in them but before we know it they will be over and have flown by. I felt a lot better and more chill after this God moment.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Some late night poetry...enjoy!
Times have changed
I caught a glimpse when you thought I did not see you. I like that I don't remember you and me. I used to want to remember every detail now I like the fact I don't care to remember anything about you. I live a life of freedom that you no longer control, look how the times have changed.
Shattered
The rain pours down as I lay here, memories flooding my mind…your name is being screamed by the downpour, my soul aches for what once could have been…before the minutes turned to hours, the days moved on, the moment you left and I didn’t realize you would disappear forever, no goodbye, no closure just a broken life, one tragedy unfolded so quickly I couldn’t breathe then I realized a death took place yet a new life began, ironically your death changed my life forever, once a mourning heart turned into a joyous one not about your death but my life, you tried to destroy me yet I lived as you walked out ironic isn’t it?
A Warrior's Battle...
Two worlds battle for my soul! They both want my destiny. One road is good while the other road leads to death. The dark road keeps trying to entice me to take a journey just once, past reminders of a life I once had with the cruel master of disguise. He masks a world you think you want and then he places you in a hell you have to fight to escape. Those reminders of past pain fade as you feel this longing to capture what you once dreamed of...the players we conquered to prove a point ended up to be one night stands that you never seem to remember their names not even 15 years later when you barely remember what they looked like, or the sip that turned into a drunken night, a tiny piece of paper took you on a trip of your life with magical colors, fingers crossed it would be a good trip not the bad one you had last week, or maybe on one of those lonely nights you decided to stay in the cold blade became your escape - a drop of blood could ease a world of pain you hid for so many years out of shame and guilt. Wait I see the light shining through this dark dream of the past...I hold my breath, you grab my hand and a cool breeze of peace falls upon me as you pull me to safety. Another day conquered, surrendered to my maker...the one who wants to bless me, love me and give me the world. Thank you Jesus for never letting go!
Never Settle for Second Place
You wanted me to look at this world through your jagged eyes. You never understood or maybe you never cared to see how I felt. I have feelings, they mattered you know. I begged you to stop just once...think of me and what this was doing to me but you wouldn’t it was about you as always. Everything was about you, you never let me spread my wings to fly, you always wanted to hold me back, my soul almost died trying to get you to see the reality of your actions and words.
Out of jealousy you tried to take the love he gave me, it was never meant for you yet you would never seek him to find out what he had for you…you tried to live through me but he didn’t want you to live this way. He has plans for you, I must be myself and walk on the path set before me.
The Last Night
The handful of pills each marked with a failure in my life are ready to be chased by a bottle of depression an overwhelming sense of loneliness, rejection…the ending was planned. See the problem is I am not the author!
I stand at the edge, gasping for breathe about to jump then out of no where you took my hand and led me down. I remember that night like it was yesterday…all the pain, disappointment, anger, rage, fury, love, joy…all of it gone. God was merciful and stopped me before I wrote the end and made this story a tragedy instead he birthed new life from it. A legacy still in the making!
***Reading what God has put on my heart tonight makes me want to add a disclaimer - I am releasing what has been bottled up in me for years. See I used to be a writer till a tragedy in my teenage years caused me to stop writing. I let everything I went through be bottled up inside of me. I went through some life changing counceling with my pastor almost a year ago yet my heart has still longed for me to release the memories through my writing. I can't explain why God chose tonight, I mean it's almost 1 a.m. and I need to get to bed but I can't sleep I needed to pour my heart out. I do know that I have been holding back from writing and I'm not sure why...I am healed from my past and everything I have been through. One day these will be a part of a book I am writing to help others to know that God has never left you even when you feel all alone. In the darkness, he is there and he wants to bring you into the light and give you a new life. What was meant to destroy me will be used to bring glory to God's name and work. I will share my story with all who I encounter, one reader at a time!
I caught a glimpse when you thought I did not see you. I like that I don't remember you and me. I used to want to remember every detail now I like the fact I don't care to remember anything about you. I live a life of freedom that you no longer control, look how the times have changed.
Shattered
The rain pours down as I lay here, memories flooding my mind…your name is being screamed by the downpour, my soul aches for what once could have been…before the minutes turned to hours, the days moved on, the moment you left and I didn’t realize you would disappear forever, no goodbye, no closure just a broken life, one tragedy unfolded so quickly I couldn’t breathe then I realized a death took place yet a new life began, ironically your death changed my life forever, once a mourning heart turned into a joyous one not about your death but my life, you tried to destroy me yet I lived as you walked out ironic isn’t it?
A Warrior's Battle...
Two worlds battle for my soul! They both want my destiny. One road is good while the other road leads to death. The dark road keeps trying to entice me to take a journey just once, past reminders of a life I once had with the cruel master of disguise. He masks a world you think you want and then he places you in a hell you have to fight to escape. Those reminders of past pain fade as you feel this longing to capture what you once dreamed of...the players we conquered to prove a point ended up to be one night stands that you never seem to remember their names not even 15 years later when you barely remember what they looked like, or the sip that turned into a drunken night, a tiny piece of paper took you on a trip of your life with magical colors, fingers crossed it would be a good trip not the bad one you had last week, or maybe on one of those lonely nights you decided to stay in the cold blade became your escape - a drop of blood could ease a world of pain you hid for so many years out of shame and guilt. Wait I see the light shining through this dark dream of the past...I hold my breath, you grab my hand and a cool breeze of peace falls upon me as you pull me to safety. Another day conquered, surrendered to my maker...the one who wants to bless me, love me and give me the world. Thank you Jesus for never letting go!
Never Settle for Second Place
You wanted me to look at this world through your jagged eyes. You never understood or maybe you never cared to see how I felt. I have feelings, they mattered you know. I begged you to stop just once...think of me and what this was doing to me but you wouldn’t it was about you as always. Everything was about you, you never let me spread my wings to fly, you always wanted to hold me back, my soul almost died trying to get you to see the reality of your actions and words.
Out of jealousy you tried to take the love he gave me, it was never meant for you yet you would never seek him to find out what he had for you…you tried to live through me but he didn’t want you to live this way. He has plans for you, I must be myself and walk on the path set before me.
The Last Night
The handful of pills each marked with a failure in my life are ready to be chased by a bottle of depression an overwhelming sense of loneliness, rejection…the ending was planned. See the problem is I am not the author!
I stand at the edge, gasping for breathe about to jump then out of no where you took my hand and led me down. I remember that night like it was yesterday…all the pain, disappointment, anger, rage, fury, love, joy…all of it gone. God was merciful and stopped me before I wrote the end and made this story a tragedy instead he birthed new life from it. A legacy still in the making!
***Reading what God has put on my heart tonight makes me want to add a disclaimer - I am releasing what has been bottled up in me for years. See I used to be a writer till a tragedy in my teenage years caused me to stop writing. I let everything I went through be bottled up inside of me. I went through some life changing counceling with my pastor almost a year ago yet my heart has still longed for me to release the memories through my writing. I can't explain why God chose tonight, I mean it's almost 1 a.m. and I need to get to bed but I can't sleep I needed to pour my heart out. I do know that I have been holding back from writing and I'm not sure why...I am healed from my past and everything I have been through. One day these will be a part of a book I am writing to help others to know that God has never left you even when you feel all alone. In the darkness, he is there and he wants to bring you into the light and give you a new life. What was meant to destroy me will be used to bring glory to God's name and work. I will share my story with all who I encounter, one reader at a time!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
God Rocks!!!!
So what if everything you have just got accustomed to changed? What would you do if God said I need you to go somewhere for me? Could you make that change? I have prayed for years that God would use me in that way and now may be the time. I can't be a 100% until I fast and pray more but God has spent today reminding me of things he revealed to me months ago but I forgot about.
Four years ago I moved here to Tally only knowing one awesome person who sadly I am no longer friends with but I hope she is well along with her family and friends. Anyways, I didn't know if I had the courage to move 12 hours away from home but God told me I needed to in order to meet someone. So, I listened and he was right I met HIM and he has changed my entire life. What if now is the time for another change? Could I do it again? Could I be so lucky that God would use me to help grow his kingdom? See this all has nothing to do with me but EVERYTHING to do with HIM! I am just an instrument in his hand, I am willing to do the work and I can only pray he will use me. I knew when I moved here Tally would never be my permanent home but a temporary assignment to accomplish a small piece of the puzzle only God understands.
My story is to be continued...
Four years ago I moved here to Tally only knowing one awesome person who sadly I am no longer friends with but I hope she is well along with her family and friends. Anyways, I didn't know if I had the courage to move 12 hours away from home but God told me I needed to in order to meet someone. So, I listened and he was right I met HIM and he has changed my entire life. What if now is the time for another change? Could I do it again? Could I be so lucky that God would use me to help grow his kingdom? See this all has nothing to do with me but EVERYTHING to do with HIM! I am just an instrument in his hand, I am willing to do the work and I can only pray he will use me. I knew when I moved here Tally would never be my permanent home but a temporary assignment to accomplish a small piece of the puzzle only God understands.
My story is to be continued...
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