Each day is a gift we are not entitled to. We are called to take a path that few journey on. I wrote a blog about the Legacy I want to leave behind on 7/09 and I keep thinking about what this life really means???
Would anyone notice if God called me home? I wonder how long till people realize I am not around...I am only on speaking terms with one of my brothers and my grandparents. I talk to them every couple of months and they live in VA. My mom (my only living parent) isn't speaking to me or my other brother. I don't have any family here in FL so how long would it take for people to know???
Since I am absent from their daily lives would it matter to anyone? I am NOT thinking in terms of being suicidal but I don't want to live this life then be called home by my maker to have not made a difference. What would my purpose have been if I didn't help somone, change someone's life by living as an example of Christ.
Have I made a difference? Did I do all God called me to do? Would people remember me and if they do, for what? If we don't conciously make an effort to make a difference time will slip by and we will look back on all the things we should have done not what we did!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Why are we really here??
Tell people the truth, God's truth when all they have known is lies.
We were made to be lovers in bold places till we are called home.
The body of Christ is to come alive to meet the needs of those in need.
It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.
We should know we are loved and don't go it alone.
...what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts. When we trade death for life.
The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope.
Love is the simple answer to so many of our questions. We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.
I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love.
--------------------------------------------------------
Over the past month, I have taken one blow after another...watching others be blessed while I wait for God to step in to simply make the days more bearable. I have felt abandoned and forgotten. I give all I have, my time, my money, anything someone needs...so why do I work so hard to show God's love to others then when I become the one in need no one is there for me??? I believe God calls us to sacrifice but he doesn't call us to be stingy!!! I sow what I hope to reap one day.
Am I not where I belong? I shouldn't feel like I can't call on those who surround me, they call on me. I can understand how people fall through the cracks, get lost and disappear...does anyone ever notice they are gone? Is the world a safer place for those who can't find acceptance, love and hope in "church"? We are all called to be the body of Christ. At least in the world you expect pain and unacceptance but God's people should be loving, kind and giving. Don't get me wrong I know there is no greater love than the love from our Savior. However, isn't it hypocritical to be Christ-followers and not show love, mercy and grace to those around us?
Does anyone really, truly care or are they still wrapped up in their worlds and themselves they never notice the broken, hurting people around them. This life isn't about continually lifting up your friends, break out of your cliches that make you unapproachable to those who need the touch of the Savior.
I wonder if God will ask us in Heaven why they didn't reach out to the ones he put in our paths, the ones we were too busy to take time to help, he knows their name and when he asks...will we even know who he is talking about?
Thanks TWLOHA for the reminder above that there are people who care!
We were made to be lovers in bold places till we are called home.
The body of Christ is to come alive to meet the needs of those in need.
It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.
We should know we are loved and don't go it alone.
...what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts. When we trade death for life.
The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope.
Love is the simple answer to so many of our questions. We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.
I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love.
--------------------------------------------------------
Over the past month, I have taken one blow after another...watching others be blessed while I wait for God to step in to simply make the days more bearable. I have felt abandoned and forgotten. I give all I have, my time, my money, anything someone needs...so why do I work so hard to show God's love to others then when I become the one in need no one is there for me??? I believe God calls us to sacrifice but he doesn't call us to be stingy!!! I sow what I hope to reap one day.
Am I not where I belong? I shouldn't feel like I can't call on those who surround me, they call on me. I can understand how people fall through the cracks, get lost and disappear...does anyone ever notice they are gone? Is the world a safer place for those who can't find acceptance, love and hope in "church"? We are all called to be the body of Christ. At least in the world you expect pain and unacceptance but God's people should be loving, kind and giving. Don't get me wrong I know there is no greater love than the love from our Savior. However, isn't it hypocritical to be Christ-followers and not show love, mercy and grace to those around us?
Does anyone really, truly care or are they still wrapped up in their worlds and themselves they never notice the broken, hurting people around them. This life isn't about continually lifting up your friends, break out of your cliches that make you unapproachable to those who need the touch of the Savior.
I wonder if God will ask us in Heaven why they didn't reach out to the ones he put in our paths, the ones we were too busy to take time to help, he knows their name and when he asks...will we even know who he is talking about?
Thanks TWLOHA for the reminder above that there are people who care!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Nothing to say...it speaks for itself!
Precious Pain
Everybody's got a hunger
No matter where they are
Everybody clings to their own fear
Everybody hides some scar
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Everybody's got a reason
To abandon their plan
How can I think of tomorrow
With my sorrow in hand
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Each road that I walk down
Reminds me of you
This whole town is haunted
There'll never be anything new
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Everybody's got a hunger
No matter where they are
Everybody clings to their own fear
Everybody hides some scar
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Everybody's got a reason
To abandon their plan
How can I think of tomorrow
With my sorrow in hand
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Each road that I walk down
Reminds me of you
This whole town is haunted
There'll never be anything new
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
A Survivor's Story...
Almost two years ago I walked away from an abusive relationship that had me tangled up in all kinds of mess. The more I tried to escape the worse it got. No one knew what was hidden deep in my heart but this wasn't the first time I had dealt with abuse...it has littered my life. I became a master of disguise. I wrote this story for a contest, the question they asked was: What does being a survivor mean to me?
I never submitted it so you get to read it...
Being a survivor is more than bruises and wounds healing while your heart is mending. By definition, a survivor is to remain alive or in existence; live on. To me it means choosing life, the decision to wake up each day and live life in victory and not as a victim.
You have a voice don't be silenced and live in fear. By denying the abuse and walking in silence you give your abuser control over you again and again.
The first step in healing is to break the silence. You find out who you are and how much inner strength you have when you survive abuse no matter what age you were when it happened. Regardless of the type of abuse it was you are strong enough to survive. Remember, you were one of the lucky ones that lived when so many die.
God allowed your life to be spared for a purpose and now is your time to make a difference. The decision now becomes yours..will you seek to just live and exist or will you seek to help others who need you?
I never submitted it so you get to read it...
Being a survivor is more than bruises and wounds healing while your heart is mending. By definition, a survivor is to remain alive or in existence; live on. To me it means choosing life, the decision to wake up each day and live life in victory and not as a victim.
You have a voice don't be silenced and live in fear. By denying the abuse and walking in silence you give your abuser control over you again and again.
The first step in healing is to break the silence. You find out who you are and how much inner strength you have when you survive abuse no matter what age you were when it happened. Regardless of the type of abuse it was you are strong enough to survive. Remember, you were one of the lucky ones that lived when so many die.
God allowed your life to be spared for a purpose and now is your time to make a difference. The decision now becomes yours..will you seek to just live and exist or will you seek to help others who need you?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tripped up on Chapter 3
I am currently reading Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick. This book is eye opening and amazing...a must read!
I get to the end of chapter 3 and it says to consider my page 23 vision. I stop to think about what I am believing God do in my life, what I believe is impossible. I write down a prayer and it seems selfish but in my spirit I know why I want it but can't get my thoughts or words to come together. I get very upset but not a crying upset but a mad upset!!! You could even say I was very pissed off (not a common mood for me)!
I serve God and people with ALL that I am, I am not perfect and have room for improvement just like anyone else. I am believing God to bring me inner healing from the inside out from my past. I need God to prepare my mind, body and spirit for what he has instore for me. I need total healing to be who I am supposed to be. He is preparing my heart for the person I am suppose to be with, I know this because I can see how I am changing. He is "tweeking" my thinking and view that was distorted long ago by the circumstances of my life. He is revealing himself and his views through his word in my life.
Sometimes it gets hard to wait on healing when you know God can step in and make it all better in an instant. However, if he does that then you miss the struggle that pulls you toward him. You wouldn't seek him to be your comforter and he couldn't reveal who he is when you need it most.
I have an overcoming and determined spirit it has kept me going thus far in life and will keep me going in the future. My healing is gradual and keeps me taking steps forward in my faith. I know the miracles God has already performed in my life and I can't wait to see what else he plans to do with me. I must wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart for my God is in control.
I get to the end of chapter 3 and it says to consider my page 23 vision. I stop to think about what I am believing God do in my life, what I believe is impossible. I write down a prayer and it seems selfish but in my spirit I know why I want it but can't get my thoughts or words to come together. I get very upset but not a crying upset but a mad upset!!! You could even say I was very pissed off (not a common mood for me)!
I serve God and people with ALL that I am, I am not perfect and have room for improvement just like anyone else. I am believing God to bring me inner healing from the inside out from my past. I need God to prepare my mind, body and spirit for what he has instore for me. I need total healing to be who I am supposed to be. He is preparing my heart for the person I am suppose to be with, I know this because I can see how I am changing. He is "tweeking" my thinking and view that was distorted long ago by the circumstances of my life. He is revealing himself and his views through his word in my life.
Sometimes it gets hard to wait on healing when you know God can step in and make it all better in an instant. However, if he does that then you miss the struggle that pulls you toward him. You wouldn't seek him to be your comforter and he couldn't reveal who he is when you need it most.
I have an overcoming and determined spirit it has kept me going thus far in life and will keep me going in the future. My healing is gradual and keeps me taking steps forward in my faith. I know the miracles God has already performed in my life and I can't wait to see what else he plans to do with me. I must wait on the Lord, be strong and take heart for my God is in control.
GIVE.ME.FAITH. opening video from Elevation Church on Vimeo.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
One
One breathe, one look, one spark was all it took
You hide, I seek, you run, I chase
I hide, you seek, I run, you chase
I can't live without you, your the breathe I breathe
You're the air in my space
You're the one who stirs my spirit
You make me want to be better at everything
You being You makes Me be Me
You hide, I seek, you run, I chase
I hide, you seek, I run, you chase
I can't live without you, your the breathe I breathe
You're the air in my space
You're the one who stirs my spirit
You make me want to be better at everything
You being You makes Me be Me
God is so FREAKIN amazingly awesome!!!!!!!
So here goes my life :) I hear from God, I struggle if I really heard from God to do something (mainly the struggle is because I want to help everyone and serve everywhere but I can't do it all) BTW...the struggle is normal if we didn't wrestle with "confirming" it is from God then we are probably too cocky that we know everything. The reality is we need to seek him when he speaks to know what direction to go because you can bet that the enemy is going to try to knock you off course.
I committed to go to Haiti...not really much money to put towards it due to the mounting medical bills that came after having an unplanned complication which resulted in a hospital stay and many additional services but I know God is bigger than the bills :(
About 3 weeks ago I sent out some letters to friends and family back home asking them to search their hearts to determine if they could help me. I asked them to pray and determine if God was leading them to help me with a financial blessing or prayer. I struggled with 2 of the letters because I am not that close to these family members and it has been a very, very long time since I have spoken to them.
Last week I got a check from one of them and a letter with very kind words. Then today I got another check from someone who in the past has criticized my desire to help others through missions. I won't lie it really flipped my world that God has pressed on their hearts to help me. I love that God uses those who you think won't respond while the ones I thought would haven't.
This has ignited my Sun Stand Still prayer...I have a few but one that has been rooted in the deepest place of my soul....I am going BOLDLY to the throne of the Lord and I won't stop praying, seeking and searching!!! In the past, I have quietly approached God whispering my prayer. I believe God will give me what I see as impossible because he has not only put the desire in my heart but he wants the best for me.
What do you feel is impossible to ever come true??? Take it to God and with all you have believe he will do the impossible.
I committed to go to Haiti...not really much money to put towards it due to the mounting medical bills that came after having an unplanned complication which resulted in a hospital stay and many additional services but I know God is bigger than the bills :(
About 3 weeks ago I sent out some letters to friends and family back home asking them to search their hearts to determine if they could help me. I asked them to pray and determine if God was leading them to help me with a financial blessing or prayer. I struggled with 2 of the letters because I am not that close to these family members and it has been a very, very long time since I have spoken to them.
Last week I got a check from one of them and a letter with very kind words. Then today I got another check from someone who in the past has criticized my desire to help others through missions. I won't lie it really flipped my world that God has pressed on their hearts to help me. I love that God uses those who you think won't respond while the ones I thought would haven't.
This has ignited my Sun Stand Still prayer...I have a few but one that has been rooted in the deepest place of my soul....I am going BOLDLY to the throne of the Lord and I won't stop praying, seeking and searching!!! In the past, I have quietly approached God whispering my prayer. I believe God will give me what I see as impossible because he has not only put the desire in my heart but he wants the best for me.
What do you feel is impossible to ever come true??? Take it to God and with all you have believe he will do the impossible.
Insomnia or God at work?
I am tired, I came home from work and crashed for 2 hours then woke up realizing I have too much to do to be sleeping. I could have easily slept till morning. Now my mind won't stop "thinking" so let's see if I can pour out some "mess" from my head on this nice clean page :)
-I have been told before I am too spiritual because I think through things and in the negative still try to find God. We all know he is for sure in the positive but harder to see when your world is crashing. I don't think it is possible to be too spiritual because to me spiritual is seeking a connection with God. We have 3 parts to us, mind, body and spirit. I am working on tying them all together. Most of my life I have tried to keep them separate and that hasn't worked out so well for me LOL :)
Life takes work and not everything just falls into place. The reason I disconnected these aspects was to cope with pain...emotional pain and physical pain which then translated into spiritual pain. I know they are connected regardless of my attempts to keep them separated but a habit formed as a child became a way of life to survive. I struggle with feeling sure of yourself, always questioning who I am and letting fear grip me.
So I'm gonna get really real and put my junk out there so its grip won't be so tight on me as I work to release it from my life.
Monday night was hands down one of the worst nights I have faced in a very long time. I couldn't keep my focus at all that evening, a headache, a disconnect with a dear friend that left me feeling a bit lost and uneasy. All this mounted as I tried to go to sleep which turned into a living nightmare. Everytime I closed my eyes visions of life and past abuse played like a movie with no stop button. The tears flooded my eyes and just poured down my face for hours. I couldn't stop them, my soul just hurt and it was a unique feeling...I felt like my spirit was grieving and it probably was for the little girl lost so long ago who may not have physically died but she did.
A friend called and I didn't answer...what would I say? I felt so broken and ashamed. I couldn't let him know that there are times when I feel like life has sucker punched me. After all, growing up I was always told to "get over it" and "that's life" no understanding or compassion. You weren't suppose to talk about your problems just deal with them. There was never quality time together just emptiness and loneliness. When I need someone I don't reach out, I don't want to bother others with my mess but I will drop everything if someone needed me. It is no wonder I retreat when I feel overwhelmed, I remember as a child going and sitting in my closet to "hide" from life. There was a comfort in the darkness because the light was not familiar to me so I couldn't embrace it but God never let go of me. This is why I very rarely ask for help but why would I 99% of the people I have opened my heart up to have hurt me in one way or another. They walk in snatch a piece of me, my heart, my life and head out the door with no regard to me. I have become so guarded with my heart and life now that it has become hard to think someone might actually care and they might just be genuine. I seek love and acceptance like everyone else but I let the fear of abandonment hold me back from letting people in.
God provided a way out Monday but I didn't accept the call out of fear. What would I have said? What if he saw my mess, after all he has it all together and my mask of happiness had just broken?
I can relate to others while having empathy and compassion but I don't freely give many details of my life to others because most people can't handle hearing about it. I need a strong person who can relate, care and give wisdom to me without trying to fix me because I don't need fixing. I just need a genuine friend to lean on.
Tuesday gave me hope...a well needed text to know things would be okay, a good counseling session and an awesome message at youth group. Even as a youth sponsor I still need to hear the messages given by the Pastor. As we run this race for God it is a continual journey that doesn't end till we die and we should never stop growing as we move forward to him. I love serving with people who aren't afraid to admit they are a mess even if they are a Pastor. Sometimes when the mask breaks it is because God is creating a breakthrough...I wanted to find a new mask or piece the old one back together but God wanted me to see what I have overcome.
Sometimes I wonder why God uses me, I feel like such a dysfunctional mess. I have felt like I am struggling with my faith (not my theology) and when I opened up in my session my counselor told me that my faith is not a concept but a verb...everytime I get knocked down without thinking I get up and keep going. She helped me realize I am living it out even when I don't feel like I have any faith.
So basically I'm saying I don't have it all together. Here are some last minute thoughts and a video that rocked my world to think about how God is really always with us.
- My thoughts and prayers have been focused around God wiping out the memories instead I need to pray he comes in and performs a miracle. The reality is I wouldn't want them wiped out, I need them to do his work and help others to see his glory of what Jesus can do if you reach for his hand while your laying in the gutter of life dying.
- God is positioning me and taking me to a new level of understanding that I must be prepared for before he can pour out his provision over my life.
- God has to become all I have so I will know he is all I need.
- When you are on the verge of a breakthrough that sometimes becomes the fiercest place of resistance.
- God wants our first step to be faith.
- I relate to the brokenness of the world because that was once me before Jesus. It is my passion to reach others. I have to realize I have broken pieces but I am no longer a broken person, Jesus lives in me!
-I have been told before I am too spiritual because I think through things and in the negative still try to find God. We all know he is for sure in the positive but harder to see when your world is crashing. I don't think it is possible to be too spiritual because to me spiritual is seeking a connection with God. We have 3 parts to us, mind, body and spirit. I am working on tying them all together. Most of my life I have tried to keep them separate and that hasn't worked out so well for me LOL :)
Life takes work and not everything just falls into place. The reason I disconnected these aspects was to cope with pain...emotional pain and physical pain which then translated into spiritual pain. I know they are connected regardless of my attempts to keep them separated but a habit formed as a child became a way of life to survive. I struggle with feeling sure of yourself, always questioning who I am and letting fear grip me.
So I'm gonna get really real and put my junk out there so its grip won't be so tight on me as I work to release it from my life.
Monday night was hands down one of the worst nights I have faced in a very long time. I couldn't keep my focus at all that evening, a headache, a disconnect with a dear friend that left me feeling a bit lost and uneasy. All this mounted as I tried to go to sleep which turned into a living nightmare. Everytime I closed my eyes visions of life and past abuse played like a movie with no stop button. The tears flooded my eyes and just poured down my face for hours. I couldn't stop them, my soul just hurt and it was a unique feeling...I felt like my spirit was grieving and it probably was for the little girl lost so long ago who may not have physically died but she did.
A friend called and I didn't answer...what would I say? I felt so broken and ashamed. I couldn't let him know that there are times when I feel like life has sucker punched me. After all, growing up I was always told to "get over it" and "that's life" no understanding or compassion. You weren't suppose to talk about your problems just deal with them. There was never quality time together just emptiness and loneliness. When I need someone I don't reach out, I don't want to bother others with my mess but I will drop everything if someone needed me. It is no wonder I retreat when I feel overwhelmed, I remember as a child going and sitting in my closet to "hide" from life. There was a comfort in the darkness because the light was not familiar to me so I couldn't embrace it but God never let go of me. This is why I very rarely ask for help but why would I 99% of the people I have opened my heart up to have hurt me in one way or another. They walk in snatch a piece of me, my heart, my life and head out the door with no regard to me. I have become so guarded with my heart and life now that it has become hard to think someone might actually care and they might just be genuine. I seek love and acceptance like everyone else but I let the fear of abandonment hold me back from letting people in.
God provided a way out Monday but I didn't accept the call out of fear. What would I have said? What if he saw my mess, after all he has it all together and my mask of happiness had just broken?
I can relate to others while having empathy and compassion but I don't freely give many details of my life to others because most people can't handle hearing about it. I need a strong person who can relate, care and give wisdom to me without trying to fix me because I don't need fixing. I just need a genuine friend to lean on.
Tuesday gave me hope...a well needed text to know things would be okay, a good counseling session and an awesome message at youth group. Even as a youth sponsor I still need to hear the messages given by the Pastor. As we run this race for God it is a continual journey that doesn't end till we die and we should never stop growing as we move forward to him. I love serving with people who aren't afraid to admit they are a mess even if they are a Pastor. Sometimes when the mask breaks it is because God is creating a breakthrough...I wanted to find a new mask or piece the old one back together but God wanted me to see what I have overcome.
Sometimes I wonder why God uses me, I feel like such a dysfunctional mess. I have felt like I am struggling with my faith (not my theology) and when I opened up in my session my counselor told me that my faith is not a concept but a verb...everytime I get knocked down without thinking I get up and keep going. She helped me realize I am living it out even when I don't feel like I have any faith.
So basically I'm saying I don't have it all together. Here are some last minute thoughts and a video that rocked my world to think about how God is really always with us.
- My thoughts and prayers have been focused around God wiping out the memories instead I need to pray he comes in and performs a miracle. The reality is I wouldn't want them wiped out, I need them to do his work and help others to see his glory of what Jesus can do if you reach for his hand while your laying in the gutter of life dying.
- God is positioning me and taking me to a new level of understanding that I must be prepared for before he can pour out his provision over my life.
- God has to become all I have so I will know he is all I need.
- When you are on the verge of a breakthrough that sometimes becomes the fiercest place of resistance.
- God wants our first step to be faith.
- I relate to the brokenness of the world because that was once me before Jesus. It is my passion to reach others. I have to realize I have broken pieces but I am no longer a broken person, Jesus lives in me!
Friday, September 17, 2010
A heart's desire
I originally started this blog Friday night but couldn't find the courage to hit the post button. I felt so exposed and questioned if I looked like a failure for admitting I gave up a dream that has always been so deeply rooted in my heart. Then I realized that I am giving it up so God can give me something better. Sometimes as Christians if we are not real and raw then we run the risk of being fake and phony.
So here goes...
Tonight I went for a late night swim as I often do because it is nice to enjoy the pool when no one else is around and gaze upon God's beauty. I love looking at the sky and the moon outlining the clouds...too cool!
It hit me as I swam laps that God is changing my heart. The time has come to release one of my greatest heart's desires. See all my life I have wanted to be a mother. As a child, I played dolls everyday...literally not a day went by that I didn't have a baby doll attached to my hip.
As I swam I wondered what if having my own kids isn't in the cards. I started crunching the numbers...I will be 35 next year, I am not currently dating anyone so I would need to start dating, have the talk to move the relationship into a boyfriend/girlfriend status then you have the engagement period then you get married then after a settling in period have kids. Sounds simple??? No, that could mean 5 more years and that's if the guy that God has created for me shows up today :)
So the more I thought about it the more I realize I may not have my own kids. This thought has always bothered me but tonight I wanted to explore why. Being a mom is a high honor and includes tons of work. I know I would love it, if given the chance. Yet you shouldn't want to be a mom for the title or just the role, it is like a calling from God. Sadly, not everyone gets the call and that can be hard to comprehend at times. After all, it can feel like God is punishing you. I wonder does he not think I am good enough but that isn't it. There won't be some magical prize when you get to Heaven if you have been blessed to be a mom and that won't be the question we are asked to get us into Heaven. Not having kids just simply means that God has other plans and I must trust that he knows why since he can see the big picture.
I have wondered if I would have the energy to be a mom. I almost feel a bit burned out just with the thought of it. You may wonder why after all it is just a thought right? Well no, I was forced to give up my childhood and step into a "mothering" role. Let me back up a bit to shed some light on what I mean.
I have two brothers, one is 16 months younger than me and the other is 6 years younger. At the young age of 8, my entire world got flipped upside down. My innocence was stolen by a stranger, those who "loved" me didn't protect me and I lost all hope in this world! This threw me into an adult world without my permission, a place I didn't belong. There is no wonder my brain flipped into survivor mode and I took my brothers under my wings to protect them. I threw down a couple times to protect them, yes it was against some boys but you didn't mess with my brothers! At a young age God blessed me with the gift of discernment.
About 6 weeks ago, I had one of the best conversations with my younger brother. He told me he didn't think it was fair what happen to me when we were kids. He appreciated me and what I did for him and my youngest brother. I took care of them when my parents weren't around (my mom worked a second job trying to put food on the table)and even when they were there they really weren't. My mom was always sick/sleeping and my dad was an addict. I changed diapers, made our meals, cleaned up, watched over them...anything and everything. It wasn't an option for me it was a way of life. He realized I gave up my childhood to take care of them and myself because no one else was going to do it.
The sad part is because my brothers knew I wasn't their mom this role I was put in caused tension within our relationships. My younger brother and I didn't get along until we became adults and had our own families. I am so proud of him for making his family such a priority in his life, not a value we learned in our home. He succeeded with his marriage while mine failed. We are/were treated as being disposable to the one who gave us life. Now he and I only have each other.
So having kids is my heart's desire I have given God many times but this time is different. I know I might not have my own kids but God has so many of His children that need someone to care and that can be me! I can take all I have been through, all he saved me from and pour it into children whose parents don't give them the love, support or protection they need and want.
I may not ever hear someone call me mommy but I will be called a faithful servant!
Who knows maybe the man God has for me will have kids and I will get to enjoy being a grandmother one day. After all according to all those grandmothers out there that is the best role ever...you spoil them and then send them home :)
Giving up a desire is the first step, the second step is to stand the test when the enemy makes you question your trust in God. My test came today when I saw some kids that have a special place in my heart because of the years I poured into their lives. They are no longer a part of my life and weeks ago seeing them would have caused me to shed a tear and tug at my heart but today...I looked at them, smiled and realized they are in God's hands. We must never take our eyes off God, he knows the path he has planned for us and it is greater than we can ever imagine.
So here goes...
Tonight I went for a late night swim as I often do because it is nice to enjoy the pool when no one else is around and gaze upon God's beauty. I love looking at the sky and the moon outlining the clouds...too cool!
It hit me as I swam laps that God is changing my heart. The time has come to release one of my greatest heart's desires. See all my life I have wanted to be a mother. As a child, I played dolls everyday...literally not a day went by that I didn't have a baby doll attached to my hip.
As I swam I wondered what if having my own kids isn't in the cards. I started crunching the numbers...I will be 35 next year, I am not currently dating anyone so I would need to start dating, have the talk to move the relationship into a boyfriend/girlfriend status then you have the engagement period then you get married then after a settling in period have kids. Sounds simple??? No, that could mean 5 more years and that's if the guy that God has created for me shows up today :)
So the more I thought about it the more I realize I may not have my own kids. This thought has always bothered me but tonight I wanted to explore why. Being a mom is a high honor and includes tons of work. I know I would love it, if given the chance. Yet you shouldn't want to be a mom for the title or just the role, it is like a calling from God. Sadly, not everyone gets the call and that can be hard to comprehend at times. After all, it can feel like God is punishing you. I wonder does he not think I am good enough but that isn't it. There won't be some magical prize when you get to Heaven if you have been blessed to be a mom and that won't be the question we are asked to get us into Heaven. Not having kids just simply means that God has other plans and I must trust that he knows why since he can see the big picture.
I have wondered if I would have the energy to be a mom. I almost feel a bit burned out just with the thought of it. You may wonder why after all it is just a thought right? Well no, I was forced to give up my childhood and step into a "mothering" role. Let me back up a bit to shed some light on what I mean.
I have two brothers, one is 16 months younger than me and the other is 6 years younger. At the young age of 8, my entire world got flipped upside down. My innocence was stolen by a stranger, those who "loved" me didn't protect me and I lost all hope in this world! This threw me into an adult world without my permission, a place I didn't belong. There is no wonder my brain flipped into survivor mode and I took my brothers under my wings to protect them. I threw down a couple times to protect them, yes it was against some boys but you didn't mess with my brothers! At a young age God blessed me with the gift of discernment.
About 6 weeks ago, I had one of the best conversations with my younger brother. He told me he didn't think it was fair what happen to me when we were kids. He appreciated me and what I did for him and my youngest brother. I took care of them when my parents weren't around (my mom worked a second job trying to put food on the table)and even when they were there they really weren't. My mom was always sick/sleeping and my dad was an addict. I changed diapers, made our meals, cleaned up, watched over them...anything and everything. It wasn't an option for me it was a way of life. He realized I gave up my childhood to take care of them and myself because no one else was going to do it.
The sad part is because my brothers knew I wasn't their mom this role I was put in caused tension within our relationships. My younger brother and I didn't get along until we became adults and had our own families. I am so proud of him for making his family such a priority in his life, not a value we learned in our home. He succeeded with his marriage while mine failed. We are/were treated as being disposable to the one who gave us life. Now he and I only have each other.
So having kids is my heart's desire I have given God many times but this time is different. I know I might not have my own kids but God has so many of His children that need someone to care and that can be me! I can take all I have been through, all he saved me from and pour it into children whose parents don't give them the love, support or protection they need and want.
I may not ever hear someone call me mommy but I will be called a faithful servant!
Who knows maybe the man God has for me will have kids and I will get to enjoy being a grandmother one day. After all according to all those grandmothers out there that is the best role ever...you spoil them and then send them home :)
Giving up a desire is the first step, the second step is to stand the test when the enemy makes you question your trust in God. My test came today when I saw some kids that have a special place in my heart because of the years I poured into their lives. They are no longer a part of my life and weeks ago seeing them would have caused me to shed a tear and tug at my heart but today...I looked at them, smiled and realized they are in God's hands. We must never take our eyes off God, he knows the path he has planned for us and it is greater than we can ever imagine.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Life
So the title seems very broad because everything we know will fall under this category...is it any wonder that we get so tired and run down when "life" hits us?
Today I left work, headed home and crashed for 3 hours without even realizing I fell asleep...I was just beyond exhausted but don't think that stopped me because I got up. I had too many errands to run to let tiredness slow me down.
How many times in life does it feel like that is how we are with God? We run the race of life and only when we fall flat on our face in need of rest we turn to Him?
I want to flip this and turn to Him for everything! Honestly, it is easier said than done but I will make an honest attempt :)
Today I left work, headed home and crashed for 3 hours without even realizing I fell asleep...I was just beyond exhausted but don't think that stopped me because I got up. I had too many errands to run to let tiredness slow me down.
How many times in life does it feel like that is how we are with God? We run the race of life and only when we fall flat on our face in need of rest we turn to Him?
I want to flip this and turn to Him for everything! Honestly, it is easier said than done but I will make an honest attempt :)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Flashbacks turn to Praise
Oh where to begin, Friday night after an amazing community group meeting I came home and swam laps for 30 minutes. Then all of a sudden I got really sick, weak and just UGH feeling! I then spent the next 32 hours battling a weird headache, muscle and body aches, fever and much more! I laid around and slept a lot but just couldn't get comfortable and the thought of eating made me vomit...literally!!!!
Those hours felt like an eternity. I laid around, my mind so active thinking about all I wanted and had to do yet my body couldn't move at all! I laid paralized with pain. Then I realized how blessed I am!!! See for over 3 1/2 years I battle fibromyalgia, it was the hardest time in my life. Your mind works but there is this fog that doesn't connect with your body and when it does your body doesn't respond because of the pain. It feels like a prison! You see the world you want to be apart of but you can't reach it because of the pain.
I have been fibro pain free for 5 months and I praise God for it!!!! I have this new lease on life and one that I won't take for granted!
That was flashback part one, now flashback part two: today in church while the message focused on the path we are on they showed several videos on Ghazvini Learning Center. This school has touched my heart since I first walked through the doors to mentor there back in March 2009 (although I wasn't there long because the school year was ending and I got a job - it really had an impact on me). It felt like a spiritual war zone, yet I related to the students because my life was once that jacked up. I also related to the teachers because they are fighting to save their lives...I try to fight for those God puts in my path.
Today's message got me thinking about how Jesus came from Heaven to save the lost and broken...HE SAVED ME!!! My life flashed before my eyes today...all the junk that could have taken me out but God came for me even though at the time I didn't know Him and didn't know he cared or existed for me but HE SAVED ME! See by all accounts I was put in arms way so many time and made many bad decisions of my own that could have cost me my life but I get it...God saved my life for a reason, a purpose and I can't keep what he saved me from a secret between he and I...it shows his love, mercy, grace and glory. What if my story or even your story gave a stranger or someone in your life hope...wouldn't it be worth sharing?
Those hours felt like an eternity. I laid around, my mind so active thinking about all I wanted and had to do yet my body couldn't move at all! I laid paralized with pain. Then I realized how blessed I am!!! See for over 3 1/2 years I battle fibromyalgia, it was the hardest time in my life. Your mind works but there is this fog that doesn't connect with your body and when it does your body doesn't respond because of the pain. It feels like a prison! You see the world you want to be apart of but you can't reach it because of the pain.
I have been fibro pain free for 5 months and I praise God for it!!!! I have this new lease on life and one that I won't take for granted!
That was flashback part one, now flashback part two: today in church while the message focused on the path we are on they showed several videos on Ghazvini Learning Center. This school has touched my heart since I first walked through the doors to mentor there back in March 2009 (although I wasn't there long because the school year was ending and I got a job - it really had an impact on me). It felt like a spiritual war zone, yet I related to the students because my life was once that jacked up. I also related to the teachers because they are fighting to save their lives...I try to fight for those God puts in my path.
Today's message got me thinking about how Jesus came from Heaven to save the lost and broken...HE SAVED ME!!! My life flashed before my eyes today...all the junk that could have taken me out but God came for me even though at the time I didn't know Him and didn't know he cared or existed for me but HE SAVED ME! See by all accounts I was put in arms way so many time and made many bad decisions of my own that could have cost me my life but I get it...God saved my life for a reason, a purpose and I can't keep what he saved me from a secret between he and I...it shows his love, mercy, grace and glory. What if my story or even your story gave a stranger or someone in your life hope...wouldn't it be worth sharing?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Writers blog sucks....
I have so much to say but I can't get the wall to come down for it to flow out. Maybe I am too tired and way too consumed with emotions, thoughts filling my mind and soul.
The depth of my love...
Okay, here is another piece of my poetry...I was in a lovey, dovey mood :)
Do you know I care? I try to hide my feelings down deep within my soul.
Do you know I am interested? I make every effort to control my emotions so there is no signs of it.
Thoughts of you consume my mind, I'd give my life for you!
I lose all control when our eyes meet, my heart melts. I try to focus but all is lost in those eyes.
Our friendship helps my world spin, I think to myself..."how did God create someone so special like you?" and then I wonder whose gift will you be, who will be so blessed to call you their love?
Minutes spin into hours then days as I wait to see your face again, to hear your voice..oh that laugh just to think about it lights me up!
The depth of my love is pure and runs deep. It is one that only my eyes, ears and heart know about right now :)
Do you know I care? I try to hide my feelings down deep within my soul.
Do you know I am interested? I make every effort to control my emotions so there is no signs of it.
Thoughts of you consume my mind, I'd give my life for you!
I lose all control when our eyes meet, my heart melts. I try to focus but all is lost in those eyes.
Our friendship helps my world spin, I think to myself..."how did God create someone so special like you?" and then I wonder whose gift will you be, who will be so blessed to call you their love?
Minutes spin into hours then days as I wait to see your face again, to hear your voice..oh that laugh just to think about it lights me up!
The depth of my love is pure and runs deep. It is one that only my eyes, ears and heart know about right now :)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Music...the lyrics of our lives
So today a dear friend brought me a mixed cd that was awesome and got me thinking (imagine that).
Most of these songs I had heard before but I really got to hear them today. I love music and could literally spend hours listening to it. I like all types:
-rap/hip hop music is great for workouts lots of high energy
-worship music really gets me thinking and inspires me
-southern rock takes me back to hometown memories and all the Bent Mountain parties...ask anyone in Roanoke, VA and they know exactly what I mean :) Praise God we all survived those days!
-grunge puts me back into a dark place when I was all alone clinging to addictions, seeking and searching for the next way to cope with the memories of abuse that haunted me daily. You know I would have given anything for someone to have mentioned Jesus' name to me back then...he could have been my hope instead of a blade, drugs, alcohol or bad relationships.
Certain songs remind me of certain people or events. There have been times when I want to re-create the past but why would I want to do that? The past to me has shaped who I am but it was also a difficult place to be without the love of Jesus. There is no way I want to go back, I don't regret my life or my decisions as stupid as some of them may have been I can only look to the future and all the beauty it holds.
Most of these songs I had heard before but I really got to hear them today. I love music and could literally spend hours listening to it. I like all types:
-rap/hip hop music is great for workouts lots of high energy
-worship music really gets me thinking and inspires me
-southern rock takes me back to hometown memories and all the Bent Mountain parties...ask anyone in Roanoke, VA and they know exactly what I mean :) Praise God we all survived those days!
-grunge puts me back into a dark place when I was all alone clinging to addictions, seeking and searching for the next way to cope with the memories of abuse that haunted me daily. You know I would have given anything for someone to have mentioned Jesus' name to me back then...he could have been my hope instead of a blade, drugs, alcohol or bad relationships.
Certain songs remind me of certain people or events. There have been times when I want to re-create the past but why would I want to do that? The past to me has shaped who I am but it was also a difficult place to be without the love of Jesus. There is no way I want to go back, I don't regret my life or my decisions as stupid as some of them may have been I can only look to the future and all the beauty it holds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
