A heart's desire

I originally started this blog Friday night but couldn't find the courage to hit the post button. I felt so exposed and questioned if I looked like a failure for admitting I gave up a dream that has always been so deeply rooted in my heart. Then I realized that I am giving it up so God can give me something better. Sometimes as Christians if we are not real and raw then we run the risk of being fake and phony.

So here goes...

Tonight I went for a late night swim as I often do because it is nice to enjoy the pool when no one else is around and gaze upon God's beauty. I love looking at the sky and the moon outlining the clouds...too cool!

It hit me as I swam laps that God is changing my heart. The time has come to release one of my greatest heart's desires. See all my life I have wanted to be a mother. As a child, I played dolls everyday...literally not a day went by that I didn't have a baby doll attached to my hip.

As I swam I wondered what if having my own kids isn't in the cards. I started crunching the numbers...I will be 35 next year, I am not currently dating anyone so I would need to start dating, have the talk to move the relationship into a boyfriend/girlfriend status then you have the engagement period then you get married then after a settling in period have kids. Sounds simple??? No, that could mean 5 more years and that's if the guy that God has created for me shows up today :)

So the more I thought about it the more I realize I may not have my own kids. This thought has always bothered me but tonight I wanted to explore why. Being a mom is a high honor and includes tons of work. I know I would love it, if given the chance. Yet you shouldn't want to be a mom for the title or just the role, it is like a calling from God. Sadly, not everyone gets the call and that can be hard to comprehend at times. After all, it can feel like God is punishing you. I wonder does he not think I am good enough but that isn't it. There won't be some magical prize when you get to Heaven if you have been blessed to be a mom and that won't be the question we are asked to get us into Heaven. Not having kids just simply means that God has other plans and I must trust that he knows why since he can see the big picture.

I have wondered if I would have the energy to be a mom. I almost feel a bit burned out just with the thought of it. You may wonder why after all it is just a thought right? Well no, I was forced to give up my childhood and step into a "mothering" role. Let me back up a bit to shed some light on what I mean.

I have two brothers, one is 16 months younger than me and the other is 6 years younger. At the young age of 8, my entire world got flipped upside down. My innocence was stolen by a stranger, those who "loved" me didn't protect me and I lost all hope in this world! This threw me into an adult world without my permission, a place I didn't belong. There is no wonder my brain flipped into survivor mode and I took my brothers under my wings to protect them. I threw down a couple times to protect them, yes it was against some boys but you didn't mess with my brothers! At a young age God blessed me with the gift of discernment.

About 6 weeks ago, I had one of the best conversations with my younger brother. He told me he didn't think it was fair what happen to me when we were kids. He appreciated me and what I did for him and my youngest brother. I took care of them when my parents weren't around (my mom worked a second job trying to put food on the table)and even when they were there they really weren't. My mom was always sick/sleeping and my dad was an addict. I changed diapers, made our meals, cleaned up, watched over them...anything and everything. It wasn't an option for me it was a way of life. He realized I gave up my childhood to take care of them and myself because no one else was going to do it.

The sad part is because my brothers knew I wasn't their mom this role I was put in caused tension within our relationships. My younger brother and I didn't get along until we became adults and had our own families. I am so proud of him for making his family such a priority in his life, not a value we learned in our home. He succeeded with his marriage while mine failed. We are/were treated as being disposable to the one who gave us life. Now he and I only have each other.

So having kids is my heart's desire I have given God many times but this time is different. I know I might not have my own kids but God has so many of His children that need someone to care and that can be me! I can take all I have been through, all he saved me from and pour it into children whose parents don't give them the love, support or protection they need and want.

I may not ever hear someone call me mommy but I will be called a faithful servant!

Who knows maybe the man God has for me will have kids and I will get to enjoy being a grandmother one day. After all according to all those grandmothers out there that is the best role ever...you spoil them and then send them home :)

Giving up a desire is the first step, the second step is to stand the test when the enemy makes you question your trust in God. My test came today when I saw some kids that have a special place in my heart because of the years I poured into their lives. They are no longer a part of my life and weeks ago seeing them would have caused me to shed a tear and tug at my heart but today...I looked at them, smiled and realized they are in God's hands. We must never take our eyes off God, he knows the path he has planned for us and it is greater than we can ever imagine.